So, I am officially engaged. 

After waiting 4 years the slow torture I have allowed Kenny to endure has payed off... 

It makes me happy. 

I think it makes me be a little more relieved since he has made "the committment". It takes the little doubts out of my mind. 

I like it. 

It makes me aroused. 

I love Kenny. He's the one.

I tell myself lies daily to ignore what's really going on.

I tell myself that things will change, that people aren't who they portray. 

I tell myself lies to keep me sane, to keep my hopes intact. 

Nevertheless, I know the truth behind it all. 

But Lies keep me afloat.

Lies keep me ignorant. 

I live in blissful ignorance. 

Why can't I stop an tell myself the truth? 

That everything is not perfect, that I want to leave far away and never come back, that I want to run away from everything because I can't handle the truth. 

I sit after every altercation and lie to myself that it will soon change. 

I can't lie anymore, I'm running out of excuses for you. 

I can't lie anymore, I'm running out of excuses for myself. 

But if I stop, the bliss is gone, and there will only be sadness... I've been there.

I don't want to crawl back into the darkness that had taken over me so long ago. 

The same darkness you helped me overcome. 

I want to tell you the truth, but we are both one in the same. 

You tell lies to protect you, I tell lies to cope. 

I want change, I want bliss without lying to myself. 

I want to be truthful to myself and to you. 

I don't know how much longer it will take until my lies catch up with me and I'm lost in my own imagination of what reality should be.

I sat and pondered as to why I keep on "living vicariously" through my friends after a comment someone made. 

Basically, he said "You should not want to live your life vicariously through single people, unless you really want to be single."

It made me think about what I really wanted. Did I really want to settle down or do I really want to be single just to live a more adventurous life?

I'm apprehensive.  I mean, I get excited at the fact that my single friends are going through this journey to find love in unexpected places. It's almost like they're living a novel, even if they don't realize it. (then again does the protagonist of a story really know that a story is being read about his/her life?)

A part of me craves the romantic adventure. Simply because of the twists and turns life takes you when you are ruled by emotion in finding someone suitable. Then again it has it's draw backs of broken hearts, and desperation.

At the same time, I like having stability in love. It's quite fullfilling. You don't have to look any longer and you can concentrate on making it work ( the level of difficulty is higher than just finding someone suitable in some cases).  I can concentrate on all the other aspects of my life.. 

I think what I may be feeling is bored. Not with the relationship, because I can change the things we do to make it more exciting. I'm feeling bored with life... 

I'm living this routine, daily and I want to get out of my routine. Sometimes I want to get a part-time job so I can go to school full-time and enjoy a little more leisure time. I feel so trapped. I know there is always ways to change it, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to let go of some responsibility to be a little happier. 

I guess, I want some change. Life should not be a long tedious routine with no end, no pleasure, no adventure.  

Something's gotta give, and I think it's me...

Lately, I've been having visions. 
Visions of things that may change my life, and things that are going on around me. 

I just had a vision of one of my guy friends. He was tortured, he was crouching down in pain, mental anguish, with tears in his eyes... 

My visions have started to become a little scary. I don't know when this started, but It's a little scary when one minute you're watching TV and chillin' and the other  minute you all of a sudden see someone you have least expected to see, and something aweful seems to be happening to them. 

Another thing is, that it's really awkward to know how some situations are going to play out. It's like a switch in my head is telling me how things are going to happen, and then allows me enough time to change it, sometimes not enough time. 

I want to ask my friend how he is doing. What is going on with him. I'm not sure how important it is to help him. But I am feeling an obligation to just inquire about what is happening. 
I'm a little scared. 

I'm starting to think that maybe I need to get my brain checked. One of the symptoms of brain tumors is being dellusional, and in some cases "visions". 

I tried explaining this to a couple of the people I know. They had mixed reactions. I really don't know who to go to about this. I don't know who to talk to about this craziness I envision... 
And the worse part is I cannot control it. It just happens out of nowhere.. 
I thought that maybe I can use it to win the Lottery but it doesn't work that way.. it's really just random. 

I'm nuts... What if I'm on the verge of really losing my mind? 
I don't know.. maybe I've been watching too many movies, TV shows, etc. 

Arrrghhh... what is up with this?